Looking back, I’ve seen so many cases of people getting hurt by feelings. Either by their own, or by other people’s.

Especially the ones they’ve been keeping hard, hiding safe and sound inside their heart. 

Not going to lie, but count me on one of those people.

But, isn’t it sad, that one thing that connects you with other human being, and it’s being hidden.

Either by trying to run away from it, or just simply, endure it all by their own. 

Sometimes, some of the feelings managed to lurk out, or pushes you to your own limit. Stiffen up your heart and screws your thoughts. But you have no one to blame, and nobody to run to, because you’ve been hiding it from the world all by yourself.

And you have no idea how to start to let those feelings out, because it’s just too much. 

Too much for you to handle. Too much for you to keep.

We always find ourselves either excuses, or reasons, to keep hiding them rot inside.

Isn’t it such a painful thing to be endured by one individual? 

It’s acceptable to make mistakes, to have chances, to stop carrying one big burden all by oneself. Because we’re only human. 

I’ve seen too many tears being shed, and too many cracks on my beloved one’s heart caused by it. Thoughts of it keep spinning in my brain as I keep questioning “Why we human can control our thoughts, but not our feelings. Why?” 

And sometimes, in between those thoughts, I feel like my brain is playing trick on me. 

I’ve been thinking about an ex lover of mine.

He was a good person indeed.

Despite what happened and what some of his friends ever said, that he’s slightly indifferent and anti-social, or doesn’t really care about other people’s feelings, or how they say and he feels content by himself because he can get everything he wants, I know him. I know he’s not like what they think.

Though what they said probably only based on what they see outside, or maybe just to cheer me up, I still think it’s unfair for them to think like that.

I know they’re good friends when it came up for playing around and hanging out. But they know nothing more about him than it.

Even though few times he called me out as if I was stealing his friends, and it secretly upset me, but I still felt it’s unfair for him. And it makes me even sadder.

Me myself, think too much. But I know this person they labelled as ‘Indifferent’ is actually the person that thinks even more than I do.

I sometimes thought, it’s better he thinks I stole his friends from him, than to make him thinking that he wasn’t good enough in making friends, as he often complaining how awkward he was.

Maybe they got such impressions from what he shows to the public. But some little part of me sure, he’s a good person.

I know that his life isn’t as easy as it seems, I know his struggles. I know his feelings, or to be precise, I think, I know his feelings. 

I spent my time getting to know him. I spent my time getting to know his friends too. And getting to know each other from both sides.

I know he sometimes went too far with words. He’s sometimes clumsy when it comes to expressing proper feelings. And sometimes, even what he did hurt a little bit too much, I’m sure he never meant to hurt anyone.

A lot of things happened. Too much things happened. And as if my mind really want to occupy itself even more, the thoughts of it often crossed my brain.

It bothers me sometimes to bear with the thoughts of how much pain he’s been enduring by himself. Or how many lonely nights he has passed all alone with his thoughts. Though I know it’s too late, or impossible, but sometimes when I think about that, I can’t help but having the feeling, the need, to caress him and hold him tight, tell him that someone here do really care about him.

Not long ago, I talked to his pal as he mourn about his love life. As he finished, he asked mine. Then he told me “There’s no benefit of you to care about him. I’m going to ask you now, you told me you want to make him happy, does he want to make you happy? Does he care about you? You see, you can’t get any benefit from it. And besides, you’re happy with your life right now, then if you’re with him, would you be happy too?”

Then in a brief moment, I thought.

This is it. This kind of person is one of the cause of why people prefer to hide their feelings. Because in the end this kind of people does exist. They won’t understand another person’s feeling and rather seeing it as nothing but object of judgement. 

And though he’s the type of person that’s good with words, I can’t hardly swallow the fact that he’s actually not the type ‘lover-boy’ as he portrayed in his social network. One time he talked as if his ex did him too much sorrows, but at the same time he’s also bluffing about other girl with ridiculous name in his dorm who he has a crush to. It’s just confusing, a person like this. So I told him

“You see. I’m happy with my life, really, I almost have too much fun here. But then again, is love is just a matter of need and, what, benefit? For real? I love him. And that’s that. I don’t think I’ve better reason to want to make him happy if I could, than because, I just simply, care about him. Does he have the obligation to make me happy? No. If he loves me he will prove so.”

And the topic goes on.

And he kept telling me how he sees me and that boy like some characters from How I Met Your Mother. And how he admitted that he’s actually, afraid of being alone, so that he projected love as the need of having someone to always be there for him. And how he hates the society he lives in.

I was actually, didn’t have much else to tell him. Because, if I want to mourn, I’ve so much to mourn too. But a lot of good things happen too, and I think those obstacles shouldn’t matter much if indeed, I’ve lots of fun in between those times. Moreover, what to mourn, if you can get through some of those obstacles? Shouldn’t I be thankful for what I overcame, than mourning about things that didn’t happen the way I wanted it? 

But then again, it all comes back to the person themselves.

Last night was fun, good thing I didn’t get lost the morning I came home. I’m looking forward to fulfill my life here. Looking forward to find out what will I do this summer holiday. Or what will I my mom say if I get home next year. Or how my life will be in a couple of years. 

Oh there boy, are you doing good now? I miss how warm your hugs felt.